It's the Little Things

I feel like I've said this a lot the past few months. I am officially in my final month of pregnancy and feel like I've experienced more than I thought I would. I took a tumble on the ice which left me completely bedridden for a little less than a week. (and when I say "completely bedridden", I mean my husband had to stay home from work so I could have someone take me to the bathroom) Then I had a bought of inexplicable contractions that showed every sign of labor except the actual labor part, so yet another trip to the hospital where I left with a pat on the head and an invitation to come back if I ever felt the need. As our family has been prepping for the arrival of this little one, I've been brought back to just how many small and seemingly insignificant victories we achieve every day. While I was recovering from my fall, it was a victory just to be able to roll over in bed all by myself at first. Then, it was a victory to be able to sit up unaided and so on. Now my little victories include being able to write this blog post in one sitting without having to move back to the bed to rest my weary back.
I've also noticed the little things my husband does for our family more. While we're still just a family of 2 1/2, I've noticed he takes care to do my dishes for me after dinner. He'll hold me while I tremble with uncontrollable panic that seemed to just come out of nowhere. He'll whisper in my ear the words of affirmation I can't always give myself. It's these "little things" that help me to go on with courage.
I was told through the mouth of a child recently that when you are exercising faith, you are exercising courage. I know that when I move forward in these little victories in life, I will have the courage to face the bigger challenges that lay ahead, all thanks to my Savior, who makes it possible for me to press forward in His strength.

The Maternal Instinct Awakens

Well that was scary. Women (mothers in particular) talk about the maternal instinct. I never really felt like I had that instinct that was supposed to magically appear during pregnancy until last night. I started having regular contractions that were very painful and very consistent. I've been told that those are the signs of going into labor. Problem: I haven't reached full-term yet! And I was just in the hospital last week (I ask your patience for a post on that debacle at a later date) so I wasn't too excited to get back so quickly. I didn't feel ready. I couldn't describe why I didn't feel ready, I just didn't.
We tried everything we could think of before going to the hospital. We called the midwife, but she was in a delivery. We called the labor/delivery nurses but they can't give advice over the phone. After having contractions for well over an hour, we decided to get checked out at the hospital. My husband was so excited. He kept saying, "This is it, right?" But I had this feeling that the baby wasn't going to come, not yet. After a few hours of monitoring and tests (so a LOT of waiting) it was determined that the baby wasn't ready to come yet but that my contractions were regular enough that it was good we went in.
Why do I share this? Why was this scary? I'm a first-time mom. I have heard labor described and all the signs associated with it but I had never felt it before. Some women describe it as this beautiful experience while others say that it was the best birth control they ever received. I share this story because I discovered a little bit of my own "mom-tuition" last night. I didn't know exactly what I needed to do so my husband convinced me it was okay to go to the hospital to get checked out. With his support and the skill of the hospital staff who helped me, I was able to confirm my feeling that this baby isn't quite ready yet. While I don't know everything about how to deliver this child into the world, I know enough and have been given enough to make it so my child will make it in one piece. His life is not totally tied to my competence alone. It is also tied to the support of my husband, the knowledge of the nurses and midwives helping me, and our bodies natural, God-given ability to bring a new life into the world. For the first time since I've been pregnant, I saw a mother in the mirror, not just a pregnant woman.

"The Only Rules That Really Matter Are These..."

"...What a man can do, and what a man can't do." (Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean)

It has been brought to my attention that I have been focusing too much on what I can't do and not enough on what I can do. I think this has become a theme in a lot of my recent conversations, resulting in this post. Just yesterday, I experienced my first snow in the Pacific Northwest. I've come to the conclusion that snow in this particular area is simply the heaven's way of saying, "You should have gotten out while you could. Now you're stuck at home for your's and your baby's own safety." I spent most of yesterday morning pouting and feeling sorry for myself that I have been so useless lately as an ever-growing pregnant lady. My husband, noticing my sullen mood, quickly came to my pouting place (a.k.a. his side of the bed), put his arms around me and asked, "What is wrong?" After a little bit of coaxing, I finally erupted in tears, telling him how I was just a fat, useless woman who has no business about to become a mother because I can't even take care of myself. An intense fear of motherhood washed over me and shame of what I wasn't doing with my life took over my usual resilient optimism toward the future. (For any men who might be reading this post, that's how quickly heightened hormones can make Mount Everest out of that anthill you just stepped on. I went from bored and cabin feverish to "I'm the worst possible human being on the face of the earth!") After cheering me up and encouraging me out of bed, we ate lunch and played some games.

During our nightly scripture study, we read a quote from an apostle of the Lord, Elder Gary E. Stevenson. In his recent General Conference address, he said, "I received a distinct impression...to focus not on what I can't do but rather on what I can do. I can testify of the plain and precious truths of the gospel." He had just been given the responsibility to be global representative of Christ. That's a daunting task. I am getting ready to be a mother. That's a daunting task. My husband immediately turned to me after reading that quote and said, "do I need to read that to you again?" What a great teacher, right?

Why do I tell you this story with all of it's detail? Because this is something I can do. I can record my experience to share with you. I can learn to be crafty. I can read more books. I can learn new ways to do my makeup. I can learn to not abhor voice-to-voice conversations over the phone. There are a lot of things that I can do while I'm getting slower and larger. This won't be my condition forever. So, for now, I'm going to make use of the new mixer I got for Christmas and make some delicious cookies.